A Very Poorly Prepared Guide to the Golden Globes

I love the Golden Globes. I love the Oscars too, but not really in the same way. The Globes bring TV categories into the fold, have separate categories for “comedy” films, and all of the celebs get super hammered on champagne during the show. What’s not to love?

I started writing this piece, intending to give insightful and well-reasoned (Fine, maybe not well-reasoned. Thanks for calling me out.) predictions and breakdowns of all of the nominees. Then I reviewed the nominees.

Good lord, I’ve seen basically nothing this year.

After dragging the draft to the trash multiple times, I decided to power through. In the spirit of the internet, I’m going to wildly speculate on things that I know nothing about.

Happy Golden Globes everyone!

Best Picture – Drama

I have heard things about each of the nominees (except for Hell or High Water, you could tell me anything about that one and I’d believe you) and they each seem like deserving, if perhaps very sad and downtrodden. I’m picking Moonlight here because, well, I don’t have a good answer.

Best Picture – Comedy or Musical

Finally we get to a category a little more conducive to my 2016 viewing habits. Unfortunately it wasn’t quite conducive enough, as I’ve only seen one of the nominees (Deadpool – which I wrote about in my Best of 2016 piece). As much as I liked Deadpool, it ain’t winning. I’m picking La La Land for this one. Side note: I tried catching a matinée for La La Land on New Year’s Eve, but it was sold out. I was NOT happy, but I will not hold it against the movie, because of integrity and stuff.

Best Actor – Drama/Comedy

I’m sensing a theme, so we might as well not draw these out. I did not see any of the drama nominees, so let’s say Casey Affleck wins for Manchester by the Sea, in part because he hosted a perfectly fine episode of Saturday Night Live a few weeks ago.

Ryan Reynolds probably won’t win for Deadpool, even though I thought he was really, really good (also that’s the only one of these that I’ve seen, so I won’t waste too much time). I’m picking Gosling here, partially because I’ve heard good things and I’m excited to see the movie, but also because Ryan Gosling is incredible and I’ll follow him anywhere. Or you know, whatever.

Best Actress – Drama/Comedy

I’ve seen Arrival. And I really liked Amy Adams in it. Normally I’d go Jessica Chastain, because I think she’s awesome in everything, but I might as well make a prediction based on actually seeing the movie, so we’ll stick with Amy Adams here.

Well I haven’t seen any of these, so I’m flying blind once again. Meryl Streep is Meryl Streep. But much like Karl Malone winning an MVP over Michael Jordan, sometimes you just get tired of honoring a single person. This will likely work against Streep once again. I’ll take Emma Stone, basically for all of the reasons I mentioned above for Gosling.

Best Television Series – Drama

I’ve actually seen (most of) these! I loved The Crown, and touched upon it a bit in my “Best of 2016” list, but I’m not sure if it carries the day. Typically, it feels like the Hollywood Foreign Press tries to be cool and “anoint” a new show to seem like they have their finger on the pulse of entertainment. In that scenario, it would point to a Stranger Things or Westworld victory here. I’m going out on a limb and taking Game of Thrones, mostly because I really liked it this season, but also because it’s the biggest show on TV and is a juggernaut.

Best Television Series – Comedy

Here’s where the HFPA can really flex its trendy muscle. I watch three of these shows regularly (Veep, Atlanta, and Black-ish) and probably think Veep is the best, but I’m predicting a win for Atlanta. It combines the best of both worlds: a truly great show and popular credibility for HFPA if it wins. In addition, I’ve been in the tank for Donald Glover since Community and would really like to see him win here.

Best Limited Series or TV Motion Picture

It feels like this category has been dominated by FX’s American Horror Story (colon whatever the scary circumstance might be this season), which used the category in some sort of award seeking loophole to make the show seem more prestigious. Since that loophole has been revealed, more shows and series have taken advantage of it and the category has become LOADED. I’m tempted to take The Night Of, which I really liked from HBO, but I’ll pick American Crime Story (oh no, I’m seeing a trend from FX). This show was popular and brought us tons of great performances (Sarah Paulsen was incredible as Marcia Clark and John Travolta low-key crushed his role as Robert Shapiro). Also, 5’7″ (measurements not substantiated by facts) Cuba Gooding playing O.J. Simpson was hilarious.

Despite really slacking with my viewing this year, I’m still really excited for this year’s show. It’s guaranteed that there will be surprises (including, but not limited to, all of my picks being wrong), drunkenness, and a funny, yet toothless and tone-deaf performance from host Jimmy Fallon. What’s not to love?

I promise I’ll watch more movies in 2017.

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